She loved you
by Ravensnake
Summary: General Leia's funeral is filled with people sharing in Rey's grief, yet she's never felt more alone.
1. Chapter 1

It was a beautiful ceremony - fit for a queen, if not a princess or a general. And though she was surrounded by friends in their common grief, Rey couldn't help but feel particularly lonely as she watched the general's body in its casket drift by her. Always so quick to attach herself to the people around her, the sentiment that grew between her and General Leia was no different. And now the general, the last of who she could consider a mentor, was gone.

Poe took it the hardest, and in him Rey saw the grief of a son. And there she was again - every thought brought her back to Ben. She tried not to think too much about Leia's actual son, and how he would react when he found out his mother had passed. But she couldn't help it, and she knew - after months of thinking through all their interactions, trying to understand how the bond worked - that it was when they felt most vulnerable and alone that they were brought together. That's why it didn't surprise her when, midway through the ceremony, she felt that silence begin to settle around her. The sad notes of the funeral faded, and she had to excuse herself - Leia was the only one she'd told about the bond, and she wasn't ready to let anyone else know yet, least of all in that moment.

"Rey?" Finn's whisper caught Rose's attention, too, and they both looked at her, brows furrowed.

"I just...need a moment. I'll be right back." Rey was grateful they didn't follow.

She found a quiet alcove in the hall outside the large chamber. Though she knew it was useless, she closed her eyes, hoping the moment would pass and she wouldn't have to face Ben. Not that day - any day but that day.

But when she opened them again, there he was, at the edges of her vision. She wasn't sure what she expected to see. The last time she saw him he'd been defeated, deflated and on his knees on Crait as he watched her close the Falcon's door in his face. Rey's disappointment in him returned tenfold, reminded of how he'd wanted her to leave her friends behind, leave the entire resistance behind. When she turned to really look at him, she saw the dark circles under his eyes, the look of a perpetually lost boy - much like that day on Crait. Exhaustion hung on his shoulders, but he remained composed, as he always was around her. Still, she didn't need the force bond to see the cracks, to see how broken he still was.

"Ben."

"Rey."

Hearing him call her by her name, not _scavenger_ , not _girl_ , brought back those inklings of hope from the throne room. Maybe he really wasn't beyond hope, but she knew better now than to think she could save him.

A heavy silence settled between them, with his eyes simply staring at hers, as if captivated by them. When he finally broke eye contact it was to take in her appearance - her clothes, her lack of a weapon. The funeral attire. Rey didn't know how to tell him, so the words just fell out of her.

"Leia's gone."

Whatever reaction she might have expected - anger, yelling, a demand for how, or why - she didn't expect him to just stare at her, unmoving, unblinking. Stunned. Angry, presumptuous, volatile Kylo Ren she could handle. But this? This was something new, even as she'd seen glimpses of Ben come through in their previous encounters. This - unlike anything else - actually scared her. He always had something to say - even in regards to Han's death, he always got a word in. Stunned silence just wasn't him.

So she kept talking.

"I told her about us, you know. About the force bond, about all the conversations we had. What happened with Snoke." Rey crossed her arms before cautiously approaching him. On the word 'Snoke' he finally reacted. After a blink, his fists clenched and it seemed he wanted to say something, but couldn't get the words out. Rey understood. "She was glad you finally found someone to talk to, that you weren't alone anymore."

"You're lying." But the tremor in his voice told her he didn't believe that. He _wanted_ to believe that, he wanted a reason to be angry at Leia.

"She loved you." Without letting herself think about it, she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. "They all did. Han, Luke, Leia. They loved you, Ben. They failed you - but they loved you."

"And you?" His voice was steadier now as he looked at her again. Her gaze in return was unwavering, but she didn't answer his question. At least not out loud. When he saw she wouldn't speak, he asked another. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you need to hear it. I wish they could have told you themselves."

"Yeah. Me too." Ben's eyes drifted down the hall and Rey's followed, where footsteps started to echo. The ceremony was over.

"I think she went this way." Rose's voice floated to them.

When Rey turned to speak to Ben again, he was gone, her hand hovering in midair where his arm had been.


	2. Chapter 2

No one was keen to do anything the day after the funeral. Still, Rey forced herself to get up early. Not like she had much of a choice, though. She could barely sleep, and was long awake waiting for an appropriate time to leave the room she shared with Rose. She and Finn had tried to get her to talk about the previous day, and why she left the ceremony early. Rey wanted nothing more than to be honest with them, but the words wouldn't come out. So she lied - told them she was overwhelmed. As she thought about it, it wasn't entirely untrue. Leia's death had been hard, but seeing her son grieve, feeling his despair, had pushed Rey over the edge.

And now she couldn't stop thinking of the expression on Ben Solo's face when she told him. Though their connection the day before had been briefer than most, it left her reeling and wanting to contact him again. But, though she somewhat understood how the bond worked, she still hadn't figured out how to activate it on purpose.

Unable to sleep and with no actual way to contact Ben, Rey decided she would meditate. The breathing exercises helped a great deal when it came to clearing her mind, and she was in desperate need of that kind of relief. The days ahead would be difficult. With Leia and Luke gone, everyone would be looking to her as the resistance's sole Jedi. That was more pressure than she could ever hope to be ready for - so she needed to get her mind off it. As the silence of meditation settled over her, she allowed herself to relax. Her shoulders slacked, and her breathing deepened, but the peace was short-lived.

A rage-filled cry broke through her senses, punctuated with a crash.

When Rey opened her eyes, she wasn't alone anymore, and she _definitely_ wasn't at the rebel base. Before her was a furious Kylo Ren, hunched over on his knees and heaving, his anger and frustration rolling off him in waves so thick they were suffocating. He had his head down, and seemed so caught up in his destructive frenzy, he didn't notice the force bond. Just like he'd materialized in her hut on Ach-To, she somehow managed to appear in what looked like his bedroom, or the remnants of it. Around them the evidence of his fit littered the room in the form of broken furniture, shredded paper, and unidentifiable shreds of metal.

"Ben." Rey kept her voice steady, unwilling to do anything that might agitate him further.

At the sound of her voice, his head snapped up to meet her eyes. They were rimmed red, evidence of tears clear on his face. Much like the previous day, he looked worn, even worse than he'd been before. But despite the anger and fury, his face settled into a mask of composure. If she didn't know better, she'd think it was real.

"Don't." She reached out, following that same impulse from the previous day. "You can grieve. It's okay."

"Why are you here?" He ignored her words, sitting back against the wall, his eyes trained on hers.

"I don't know. I didn't do it on purpose, so the force must want me here." She pulled her hand back, settling for resting them on her lap as she watched him.

"Well I don't." Hints of petulance broke into his voice. "So leave."

"You know I have as little control over this as you do." She sighed. "Besides, you don't really want me to leave. Even without the force connecting us, I can hear it in your voice." Rey stood to move around the room, examining the damage. She'd heard from Finn that Kylo Ren was prone to fits of rage, but she had no idea. Rather than be afraid of his destructive potential, all she felt was pity, and a longing to help him.

He gave a humorless laugh, "I don't want your pity."

When she turned to look at him again, he was on his feet.

"Then let yourself grieve, Ben. Despite everything that's happened, _you're allowed to grieve_. She was your mother, and you loved her, just like she loved you." With every word she stepped closer to him, until there was only a foot between them and she had to look up to keep eye contact. "That's how you begin to heal."

"You can't heal me."

"I can't." She tried to offer him a small smile, some form of consolation. "Only you can do that."

His eyes bore into hers and she wondered for a moment if he would have another fit, if she'd be witness to more of his destruction. Ben surprised her when, instead of yelling or throwing something in a rage - as the tension in his shoulders implied he might - he simply crumpled into himself, tears flooding his eyes as he fell to his knees again. On instinct, she caught him and followed, until they were both kneeling and she was holding him, his forehead resting on her shoulder as her arms embraced him. That easy intimacy from their fight with Snoke's guards was back, this time in the form of an awkward hug as Rey let Ben Solo cry.

Her heart split in two as she listened to him, and she found herself allowing tears to escape. She should have taken her own advice - in an effort to be strong for the rest of the resistance, she hadn't allowed herself to grieve, either. Or maybe she just hadn't felt comfortable grieving in front of the others - in front of all those people who'd known Leia for years, while she'd only known the General a few short months.

Their soft sobs filled the room, until they both ran out of energy to cry. When Rey pulled back, it was to sit on her haunches and take in Ben's face. That tension was gone, and all that was left was sorrow and exhaustion. And a hint of gratitude behind his eyes.

"Rey?" At the sound of Finn's voice, Rey's surroundings changed. She wasn't in Ben's bedroom anymore, but she could still see him, kneeling on the floor. Somewhere behind her, Finn's footsteps approached. A sudden panic set in, as she realized she didn't want the connection broken yet.

She reached out for Ben's hand, placing hers on it and holding him in place. "You're not alone, not anymore. Neither of us are, remember?"

He looked down at their hands, turning his to close it over hers. "I remember."

"When you're ready…" She didn't want to bring it up, not while he was grieving, but she still held out hope for his eventual turn. "You know where to find me."

Ben's face held no reaction, and a heartbeat later he was gone.


End file.
